The Greatest FMA Game Ever Played
by Quig Alchemist
Summary: The cast of FMA split off into teams, and battle for the bragging rights of who has the best soccer team!


The Greatest FMA Game EVER Played

"We are going to wipe the floor with these Fallen Minds!" Exclaimed Edward, shaking his fist at the sky. His blue and black uniform rippled in the wind.

"I don't know Ed." Said Fuery uncertainly. "Military Dogs don't look so hot this year." Also wearing the Military Dog uniform, Fuery sighed, and put another deliciously salty chip in his mouth.

"We can take em' Fuery!" Snapped Breda. His thumb was raised, and a smirk crossed his face. "We have three alchemists on our team."

Soccer is the world's sport. Almost everyone knows about it. That doesn't mean alchemists don't play soccer. This is the story of FullMetal Alchemist, and its characters, playing in the soccer tournament of their lives. (Pretty cheesy huh?) It is NOT THAT serious! Anyway, there are four teams of six entering this tournament. The Smooth Criminals with coach Dante, and players Greed, Wrath, Envy, Pride, Gluttony, and Scar. Another team is the Military Dogs with Hawkeye as their coach, and Ed, Breda, Mustang, Fuery, Havoc, and Armstrong as the players. The team Tough Cookies contains Al, Peninya, Russell, Fletcher, Sig, and Mason, with the toughest cookie Izumi, as their fearless coach. The last team entering the tournament is Fallen Minds with Shou Tucker, Basque Gran, Kimbley, Barry the Butcher, the Slicer brothers, and Bald, with Cornello as their devious coach.

All of these teams will be competing in a cutthroat tournament, over the next weekend. The first two match-ups are Military Dogs, and Fallen Minds. Then directly following that, we have Smooth Criminals vs. the Tough Cookies.

"Ha." Chuckled Envy, as he smashed a soccer ball against the wall. The cement cracked, and crumbled off the surface, from the force of his kick.

"Don't waste your skills, Envy." Said Cornello sounding rather annoyed. "The game will start soon."

"Not soon enough." He replied, dragging his toe through the dirt. His red and black uniform, cut into his usual style.

"Lust," Wondered Gluttony. "When we win, can I eat the losers?" Since Lust wasn't playing on any of the teams, she really didn't care. Her description came closest with demented cheerleader.

"Whatever you wish Gluttony." She mused, while his mouth watered.

"You ready team?" Questioned Izumi with enthusiasm. As the coach of the Tough Cookies, it was her job to pump up her team. The name Tough Cookies was Alphonse's great idea.

"Yeah!" They cried out. Their green and black uniforms were shaped into their favorite styles. Even Al's apron was green with black outlining.

"Just make sure that they don't knock your head off!" Sang Fletcher with a smile.

"Ha ha, very funny." Commented Al sarcastically.

"I wonder what the prize will be if we win?" asked Shou Tucker. His voice was still more of a whisper, since he had been turned into a chimera. "I hope that it is the Philosopher's Stone, so I can bring my sweet Nina…"

"Would you shut up already with the Nina this, and Nina that!" snapped General Basque Gran in mocking tones. "It's your own stupid fault anyway!" The Iron-Blooded Alchemist didn't like complainers, and he looked very threatening in his orange and black uniform. (Yeah right! He looked like a freaking loser!)

"I can't wait to blow something up!" Giggled the Crimson Alchemist Kimbley in the corner.

"I can't wait to chop someone up!" said Barry the Butcher. If you could see his face, instead of his armored head, he would probably be wearing an evil grimace.

"And here comes the team members of the Military Dogs, and the Fallen Minds!" shouted Maes Hughes into the microphone, while standing on a tower near the sidelines of centerfield. "Wow, last time I announced, or refereed anything was when the FullMetal and the Flame Alchemist fought in an alchemy battle of skills. "Lt. Colonel Hughes was wearing a traditional black and white striped referee uniform.

"You okay, Havoc?" Inquired Roy Mustang, while slapping Jean Havoc across the back.

"Yeah, Yeah. Just a little…nervous." He mumbled.

"Gentlemen!" Exclaimed Armstrong, as he towered over his team members. "Our skills greatly surpass the other team, therefore, there is no need to worry." He flexed his muscles, as he ripped off his shirt (again). "Especially with glorious muscles like these!" Everyone on the Military Dogs looked scared, and shuddered a bit, all except Fuery. He wasn't paying attention.

"Are they allowed to have knives while we play soccer?" Wondered Fuery as he pointed to Barry the Butcher while he sharpened his machete with vengeance.

"In this tournament," answered Ed. "Anything goes." Fuery turned a shade of white.

"Ready, set, TWEET!" Hughes said as he blew the whistle to signal the beginning of the game. The forwards, Ed and Kimbley, ran ahead in an all out sprint. They charged towards the ball, but right as the two collided, Kimbley tried to touch Ed with his alchemic hands. Ed swiftly rolled away, and so Kimbley had to be happy with making land mines on the field's surface.

"Pass it here!" Ed shouted frantically, waving his arms at Roy. The ball glided to his feet, along with a large machete. Barry had swung at Edward, but before he could make contact, Ed transmuted the knife into a cigarette. Havoc's eyes popped with excitement. Ed dribbled the ball away, shot towards the goal, but Basque Gran was going to catch it. Then a faint snap was audible from across the field, and the General was blown away from the ball, by a huge fireball. The ball lazily rolled into the goal.

"That away Edward!" Chanted Trisha, Hohenhiem, and an assorted bunch of Edo fan girls. "We knew you could do it!" Mustang smirked, and admired his gloved hand affectionately.

"Ok team." Said Lt. Hawkeye. "We doing well, it is half time, and we are leading 2-0." Ed's hair was ruffled, Havoc's cigarette was a stub, Mustang's face was slightly burned, Breda's arm had a long cut down the side from the Slicer's sword, Fuery's glasses were cracked, and Armstrong wasn't fazed at all.

"Now get out there, and kick some…!"

"Lieutenant, it's time to start the 2nd half." Hughes interrupted.

Military Dogs and Fallen Mind's game has 5 minutes until the end. The Fallen Minds scored during the second half, making the score 2-1. Shou Tucker had been ejected for calling chimeras on the field of play. Bald accidentally got his arm severed by Barry the Butcher's knife.

"Foul!" yelled Maes Hughes pointing to Kimbley and Mustang. "Unfair tripping explosion in the penalty box!" He blew his whistle, placed the ball on the PK spot, and told the Crimson Alchemist to take the shot. Armstrong was the goalie, and his was ready for Kimbley. He ripped off his shirt, and his pink diamond-shaped sparklies surrounded him. It was just Kimbley and Armstrong with a minute left. Kimbley hit the ball with a thud to the lower left corner; Alex Louise dove for it, and punched it clear with his fist.

"Yeah!" The Military Dogs cheered, as they attempted to pick Armstrong up and carry him off the field. Instead they resorted to soft pats on his back. They had won by a hair with seconds left in the game.

"Isn't Elisia adorable?" said Hughes in a kissy voice. He held up a picture in Envy's disgusted face. The second game was going to begin, but it was being delayed by the over top father, otherwise known as the ref. (Those dumb refs are ALWAYS delaying games.) The Smooth Criminals and Tough Cookies were both warming up.

"I swear," glowered Envy, looking very annoyed. "If you don't get that da picture out of my face, I'll kill you."

"Ohh." Maes cooed. "So feisty before the game even starts." With that, he waltzed away, leaving Envy fuming.

The game started, and was a fairly good match up. (Whom am I kidding? Homunculi against a bunch of not too talented kids. Yeah. Right.) Smooth Criminals wiped the floor with them. It was 3-0 at half time. Tough Cookies weren't looking so tough.

Now, at the beginning of the second half, Alphonse had already had his head knocked off at least three times. Envy was the culprit, and he was having way too much fun. Fletcher suggested that Al tape his head on, but the cackling response that came from Envy, was enough to leave Al wanting to cry. None of the Smooth Criminals had so much as a scratch, mostly because they could heal it back, in almost an instant. On the other hand, most of the Tough Cookies were badly injured. Things weren't looking so good for the Tough Cookies once again.

"You'd better shape up!" Yelled Izumi to her beat up team. She was not a happy camper, since they were getting the living crap beat out of them. They shivered knowing what could happen if they got on teacher's bad side.

When they got back out there, Fletcher dropped the ball back to his brother, Russell, who gave Fletcher a long ball up the field. Envy (once again) had other plans. He had changed into Fletcher, and pushed the real one off the field. Smooth Criminals had the ball once again. Envy changed back into his normal self, and passed to Greed, who passed it up to their forward, Wrath.

"Ha ha!" Mason laughed as he caught Wrath off guard, shoved him down, and slide away with the ball in his possession. Mason kicked it to Peninya, who had the 1.5-inch carbine in her left auto mail leg. As she sprinted, quick as a cat, she fired her leg in the direction of Pride, as he charged at her. He of course saw it coming (duh, ultimate eye), and easily dodged it.

"Sorry girlie," He chuckled. "You can't hit me." Peninya kept coming in his direction, but chipped the ball over her head with back of her foot (it's called a rainbow for all you soccer savvy people), and the ball sailed clear of Pride.

"I wasn't aiming for ya!" She giggled with a wink, as Gluttony, the goalie of Smooth Criminals, laid paralyzed in the back of the net. The carbine shell had hit its mark: Gluttony.

"Not so fast!" Scar called after her, as he charged up his alchemical right arm. Scar was catching up fast, but right before he caught her, Peninya shot for the goal. It didn't have to be a hard shot, because Gluttony was dead to the world, lying flat on his back. Scar tripped, and Peninya jumped. (This is a VERY matrix moment. Imagine the two stop, and the screen swirl around them in a circle.) Scar then reached up, and grabbed Peninya's right ankle. A red glow showed brightly, and Scar severed her auto mail ankle from the rest of her body. She tumbled to the ground with a crash.

A roar erupted from the crowd, and everyone clapped. One half of the crowd cheered for Peninya's goal, and the other for Scar when he severed her ankle. Peninya was beaming with pride, and then she started thinking about what Dominic would say, when he would here about the busted auto mail.

Either way, the Tough Cookies were eliminated from the tournament, along with the Fallen Minds from the previous game. The two teams who would be fighting in the showdown for the trophy would be Military Dogs, and the Smooth Criminals.

"I'm telling you, Falmen, it is gonna be a bad game to miss." Pointed out Hughes. He nudged Falmen on the shoulder, hoping that he would come to the Championship Game.

"Alright, alright! I promise I will come. Just get off my back, I wouldn't miss it for the world." Commented Falmen back.

When the game began, Greed was cheered on the field by his own personal fan club. Martyl, Dorachette, and other random chimeras clapped and yelled. He took a little bow, and pretended to tip his hat. The rest of his team looked jealous, all except for Gluttony. He was nowhere to be seen.

"Arghh!" yelled a familiar pyro's voice.

"Colonel!" screamed Riza, as she cocked her pistol.

"Get this disgusting thing away from me…Arghh!" He shouted again. Both teams, and fans alike, rushed behind the bleachers, where the Porto-potties stood. Obviously, Mustang decided to take a "potty break", and he had found some trouble along the way.

"Don't eat those!" Came his wails from inside a Porto let, but Gluttony's enormous butt hid him from sight. His bottom was sticking out of the door, and Roy was regrettably trapped inside with the monster. (Ed was cracking up!)

"Help…me…" Roy could barely mumble out. Armstrong was rushing over to the toilet, already ripping off his shirt.

"This artistic alchemical power of freeing people from Portable Toilets was passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" He rushed to the blue box-shaped potty, and punched it. It turned into crumbling rock, leaving Roy and Gluttony completely in the open. Mustang had his hands covering his head in fear, his pants down, revealing flame boxers, and Gluttony chewing on his ignition cloth gloves. (Ed would have been rolling on the floor with laughter, but Winry was standing threateningly close, trusty wrench in hand.)

"What the…?" Mustang stammered, and turned bright red. "Arghh!" He yelled, pulled up his pants, and he sprinted away from the surprised crowd. He tripped twice, and the third time he fell flat on his face.

When the game finally got under way, it might as well have been a death match.

"Crap you idiot!" yelled Edward at Wrath. Wrath had used his alchemical right arm and left leg, that were once Ed's, to fuse Edward's boots to the ground. Wrath giggled, and lightly leaped away. Ed countered by clapping his hands, placing them on the ground, and transmuting rocks to bind Wrath to the ground. Ed then freed himself, but Greed came up behind him, and wailed a punch across his face. Greed was covered in his bluish, gray skin, which was proof that Greed was the "ultimate shield". Edward was out cold, and fell to the ground with a hard thud.

"Foul ref! Come on! He punched him out cold, and Ed didn't even have the ball!" Screamed Winry from the sidelines.

"Hush over there," called Hughes back. "Or I'm going to throw you out!"

"That a way Greed!" Dante yelled, as her eyes narrowed, and she made an evil grin. Lust and Sloth also cheered, and jumped up and down. (I know it sounds weird that Sloth is over there, and Trisha is on the other side, but what is the fun, if all of the characters aren't around to enjoy the craziness? In case you haven't noticed, everyone dead and alive alike are here.)

The game was just as dirty throughout the afternoon, and the Smooth Criminals were leading 1-0. Armstrong almost cried when Envy scored on him. The Military Dogs were playing a man down, since Edward had to be wheeled off the field, and taken to the hospital. The second half was about to begin.

"Mustang and Havoc are going to do give and goes up the middle, and pass it wide to Fuery, who will dribble it up to the corner, and cross it." Relayed Hawkeye to her team. "Then, I want everyone up, to receive the ball, and score." Everyone gave her a salute, even if the ranks showed that she wasn't the commanding officer.

"Keep pounding them into the ground!" Said Dante. The queen of evil smiled maliciously.

"We still need another goal though." Said Scar, sounding a little concerned.

"When Greed took out the best player on their team, we had already won the game." Sneered Wrath.

As the ref was about to blow the whistle, to signal the beginning of the game, someone yelled, "Wait!" Edward was rushing towards the field, coming from the direction of the hospital. He was dragging an IV, and he was wearing a hospital gown. His nose was bandaged up, and he had a look of pure determination on his face. A nurse was also pulling on his arm, begging him to stop.

"Don't start yet!" Ed was shoving the nurse away, obviously wanting to continue playing in the game.

"Welcome back Elric." Said Roy shortly. "We thought you'd never come." A cocky smirk crossed his face. A few minutes later, the game finally began, after Hughes stopped showing the crowd pictures of Elysia.

When the whistle was blown, Ed immediately transmuted 6 separate birdcages from the ground to hold each member of the Smooth Criminals. Each cage had its own special way of enabling its captive from using his power. Ed was pissed, and this is what happens when he is. So, he dribbled the ball, took a shot, and scored. What else could their team do? It was if someone had called Ed a 'shorty' twenty times over. He was not to be taken lightly.

"Get back out there!" screamed Dante, as she freed her team from their prisons. The score now stood 1-1.

As the game progressed, Greed received the ball, and put on his ultimate shield. He dribbled straight up the middle, right into a crowd of the Military Dogs. Greed just swept his hand from side to side, and sent Breda, Havoc, and Fuery flying. But when he got to Mustang, he stopped and smiled.

"Heh, heh, ha ha ha!" laughed Greed.

"What is so funny? Are you seeing your own death?" said Roy sternly.

"No, no." He chuckled. "I just remembered you with flame boxers!" Greed rolled with laughter.

"The only person who is allowed to see me in my boxers is Ri…" Shouted Roy angrily.

"Colonel! Stop letting him distract you!" yelled Riza from the sidelines. Roy turned his head back to Greed, who was closer than before.

"Too late." Smiled Greed, and he wailed a punch on Mustang that left Roy spinning in the dirt. Greed dribbled up more, and the only person left to defend was Armstrong. To get straight to the point, Greed scored with minutes left. Armstrong felt as if he had failed the whole team, and everyone was out of breath. The Military Dogs gave their hardest effort, but in the end, it didn't even matter. (Rock on Linkin Park!) Hughes blew the whistle, and ended the game. They were all beat up, and Roy was emotionally scarred for life. Maes Hughes gave the cup to Wrath, but being Homunculi, they all wanted the cup for themselves.

"NO, I WANT IT!" yelled most of the Smooth Criminals. They tugged, pulled, and slugged each other for it. But in the end, Dante prevailed, and threatened anyone who got too close. Scar, on the other hand, he was a human with not nearly as much greed, and decided to go to IHOP instead.

The End (of this story)

(The beginning of an IHOP story!)


End file.
